3 Steps to Turn Your Quirks Into Perks

"I just can't do it" I've said it, you've said it, everyone's said it at some point -or everyone will. Failure is a part of life, and we all face it, to different degrees.

Sometimes the cause is pure, unadulterated bad luck. Sometimes, well, the screen goes game over and you're good for another try. Sometimes, it's because you just can't.

Example? I am severely near sighted. Without my contacts, I will fail at seeing clearly anything that's further than 15 cm from my face. This is a weakness, the kind I cannot fix -even surgery is out of the question.

I also used to say "yes" too often, and it has lead me to multiple failures, from the inability to deliver a task on time to the inability to take care of myself, to letting the Batman plunder all my Nutella. This, was also a weakness (it did have negative consequences), I worked on it, and I learned to say 'no', re-establishing some balance in my life.

Question of the week: how can I face my weaknesses? What can I do with them?

Well… you can actually turn your quirks into perks...

Let me tell you what works for me.

1) Accepting that I can suck at things 

"Hi, ego, you're about to get bruised right now and it's for your own benefit. You cannot be good at everything, just listen to yourself play guitar. Seriously. Also, that eyesight, stop being sensitive about it, your eyes are part of you so get used to it. Bye!"

2) Identifying what to work on and what to let go 

"Hi ego, it's me again. So, I've been thinking, you know that guitar thing? Drop it. Seriously. It's eating up all your time and you have many other things to be creative with. Also, talking about time, you have a problem with punctuality. Unlike you failing at Stairway to Heaven, this is really having a negative impact on your life and it's completely changeable, so work it out. Bye!"

3) Embracing what I can't change 

"Ehr… ego? It's me again, one last thing, about your eyes: you're stuck with them, but it doesn't mean you can't go around the problem. At least you know your limits about it, and you know how to compensate for it. You've got a ton of more or less annoying unfixable weaknesses like this one, but don't let them define you. Yes, they limit what you but hey, sharks cannot even walk but they kick seven kind of asses underwater. To each their element. 
Bye!"

Following these steps, I ended finding quirks of mine I was actually proud of, because they taught me to go beyond what I cannot do and led me to explore many alternative ways to go through life.

And you, can you find out a weakness, a quirk that actually can help you?

While you're thinking of it, I'm going to kick that Batman. 
See you next week!

Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright

You've probably been through that kind of day when everything just works. You wake up fresh, you do what you have to do in a productive and focussed way, and after a smooth day, you go to bed satisfied and ready to turn the page leading to the morrow.

On the other hand, you've probably been through this kind of day when you trip into your blanket on your way out of bed, only to discover, once in the kitchen, that today's cereal breakfast will have to do without milk, and without cereals. For some reason you're now late and will have to chew your instant coffee instead of drinking it -you might need it, since a virus on your computer has deleted a week worth of work. A day that's perfect with, say, a tooth ache just to spice-up the mix and make sure you fall asleep with the worst feeling ever: frustration.

So here's the question of the week: how comes some days are so terrible for apparently no reason? 

The answer can be found both in your grandma's advice and Bob Marley's song "Three little bird": When granny is reminding you to brush your teeth regularly, Bob Marley emphasizes that "Every little thing is gonna be alright".

Every. Little. Thing.

Little things make a huge part our everyday life and, when they go wrong they fit into two categories: the ones that will annoy you and the one that will incapacitate you.

Did you know you could die from a tooth cavity? 

Also, did you know that very simple acts like washing your hands are so crucial to general health that a scientist named Ignaz Semmelweis literally went mad about it when his colleagues refused to acknowledge that yes, clean hands are the best friend of surgeons. Here's an example closer to us: an ankle gets sprained, the sprain is ignored, the same ankle gets sprained again, and soon… hi crutches! Trivial, right?

Then, there are the daily annoyances. 

Your phone's battery is somehow broken, you don't have time to replace it, yet because of it you've missed an important call or two already. A leak in the bathroom has turned into a minor but oh so inconvenient flood. Your car's battery is slowly but surely giving up, making you a little later every time you go to work… Sure, these things are very minor details, things that can be sorted with quick fixes… things that, when they pile up, turn your day in a never ending heap of frustration.

Frustration is ugly. 

Not only it is a combination of stress, hanger and hopelessness, but it's a very tiring feeling. Even more so when you have other problems in mind, bigger challenges, addressing a bigger picture. And becomes a vicious circle when your start getting frustrated about spending your energy over minor frustrations instead of productive solutions.

No need to be completely obsessed with everything always being the way it should be though, life is about changes, surprises and, well, chaos -so minor bothers are to be expected and accepted.

Fixing stuff is way prettier!

But starting with fixing all these seemingly petty annoyances is a great shortcut for a better day. Actually, it might save up so much energy that it might extend your life by a couple of years.

Give it a try: why not make a list of everything that needs fixing, and just fix it, so every little thing turns our alright?

I've made mine, and I'm going to work on it right now.
Enjoy your week and talk to you soon!

Why do we even do things?

"You've got some discipline there". Someone actually told me that. Me. I was at the gym, doing what I usually do (being dizzy and out of breath, mostly), and bang, all of a sudden I've got discipline.

It did surprise me. And then I thought… ah, but wait. I actually DO go to the gym 3 times a week and I actually DO thoroughly follow a workout plan.  I'm not a teenager anymore, I want to prepare my body in order to age gracefully, and I want to stay green as long as possible. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't, but at least I'm giving it a good try…

Oh, who am I fooling? You know what?  The real reason is: when I undress, I want to see something I like in the mirror. It has nothing to do with the perceived image of manliness or anything. Seeing myself being fit makes me happy, and I want it to last. I'm doing for myself exclusively, and most importantly, I'm doing it because I want it.

So here's this week's question: Why do we even do things?

I won't be long debating about it, because it's pretty obvious: we do things because we want them done, and how hard we work to achieve what we want depends on how badly we want it.

What about things we need? What if I need to stop smoking? What if I need to stop drinking? What if need to be more serious in my professional life...

... What if I know I need all that but can't find the motivation?

Well, as usual, I'll do what I do: just look at my current status quo and try to figure out what I want to add or remove from the equation.

Let's say I need to quit smoking. The final equation isn't me - smoke, it me - smoke  = me + better health. So what do I want?

Do I want to smoke, or do I want a good health?
The choice is quickly made, right?

Then what if we want something far above the usual? What if I want to become an athlete? I'm 30, it should be too late, right?
In that case, my answer would be: go for it and become my motivation. If chasing achievements we don't really want can make ourselves miserable, going after something we DO want is an endless source of personal growth.

Some might think "But that sounds really egocentric, doesn't it?"

Well duh! I'm not having three meals a day to keep the Batman from starving, it's for my own benefit! Sometimes we do need to think of ourselves, because we've got one life, because we are our best own friends, and bcause growing isn't only useful: it's fun.

Why do we do things then? Mostly because we want to and, if nature hasn't entitled us with the right to get everything we wish, we are certainly entitled to give it our best! 

So there, pick something you really want to accomplish, and as the running shoes say, just do it! Discipline won't even be a problem.

In the mean time, I'm going to cook some more noodles, probably for the Batman, and wish you a good time until next week!

I miss you, whoever you are (even if you are me).

This, I have seen on my timeline more than once. Not only that, but I also have experienced the feeling. There is a void, somewhere, and it seems that only someone can fill it. I want to share things, to be listened to, I want interaction. With someone I am sure exists, who will provide all that.

But is it healthy to miss someone you've never met? No wait. Wrong question… the right one is:

"Who are you actually missing?"

If you've listened to the previous podcast about positive thinking, you'll remember I like to give some space to thought processes rather than focus on their consequences. From this perspective, missing these interactions (which I cannot find in my direct environment) is the actual process.
Now, that I decide to embody them into someone I've never met or a bowl of instant noodle is barely relevant: what I want isn't noodles, or someone, it's the interaction.

Further than that, what I miss is the satisfaction behind the interaction, the high of doing something meaningful, exciting, out of my comfort zone but still comfortable… actually, in a nutshell… I am bored

Idealizing a person I don't even know...

...isn't going to help: since I don't know that person, there will be no one to relieve my boredom in the first place - I will have to take care of that myself.
Ah but about love and care, these other feeling I miss in people?
Same thing! There is nobody to answer my wish, so again, I'll rely on good old me for some extra pampering.



Now let's say a random stranger to knocks at my door and declares "I've been looking for you all my life, now let me love you and entertain you". Not only I would go through a major freak out, but I would ask random stranger to slow down. How can she take care of me, love me and share with me when she has no idea about who I am and what I like? The intention is fine, but it's a process right?

What if, then, I could knock at my own door, and tell myself the exact same words? What would be my reaction? Would I say "Dude, I'm with you 24/7 and you're doing a great job at this already", or would I say "You, too, have to slow down, because I'm not sure we're quite acquainted yet".

See what I did there? 

The random stranger I'm missing, this provider of love, care and entertainment, could very well be… me. Provided I knew myself enough, that is.

Yup, self knowledge looks like a great way to get rid of boredom and loneliness

On that note, I'm going to have some noodles, see you next week!

You're not a sandwich, you're my teacher!

We are at the very heart of a real knowledge revolution!

Think about it: from the discovery of fire to the television, all of mankind's stepping stones have become so because of the way they keep us closer. 

The birth of commerce via the agricultural revolution, the silk road, the printing press, the industrial revolution, automobile revolution, you name it, all these events brought people and ideas together, expanding our knowledge and helping us to not just learn, but exchange and do things together.
 
And now all of a sudden kids are born on a planet where more than one third of the population can access and share most of the world's knowledge in a matter of seconds.

The internet might be the most important change in our society since electricity. 

2.8 Billion people can now learn about mostly everything via entertaining content, form new ideas, share them and apply them.
In a very recent past, the same process would have required considerably larger ressources: transportation, book borrowing, sourcing, more book borrowing, note taking and organizing. To end up as a manuscript that, if it failed to convince the right people, was to be read aloud on the top of a soap box.

Internet taps into the potential of each of us. Now, we all are teachers, thinkers, opinion makers, we can all shape, together, ideas that will change our collective way to observe, understand, and act.

But what do we do? We're getting busy. When we're not working, we engage in contest of food photography and take pictures of our feet, preferably near a pool, when we're not answering 10 easy questions to determine what kind of sandwich we are.

There is the question: we if we used Internet at its full potential?

And there, thus, is the challenge: 

I challenge you to stop doing things for a while to take a break, and start thinking.
Think of this gigantic opportunity we all have, to grow smarter together. Some dude made thousands of dollars cooking a potato salad on kickstater a couple of weeks ago, imagine the same effort and resources put into our collective betterment!

I challenge you to stop doing just for a little while and think: What can you teach yourself? What is your own wish? What can you teach me? What can you teach us? What is your wish for all of us?



If you're still feeling skeptical, just know that right now, video gamers are solving molecular biology problems through games, and we are 3D printing prosthetic limbs. It's happening already, and you are a part of it - as soon as you start thinking, things will start changing.



Post your thoughts on Facebook, tag your friends, tag me, amaze us, amaze me because I KNOW you are amazing!

I'm expecting you. Happy thinking, teacher!

Why positive thinking doesn't mean what you think it means (And an alternative)

Sometimes, things just go "click" in your brain. 
The other day, I was watching a great educational video about psychology which, as some point, emphasized on how positive and negative reinforcement don't mean praise and punishment.

That bit of data nested in my brain until, several days later, I heard someone say "Our coach should praise us more, we could do with some positive reinforcement here".

Click. A question was born: Why oh why have we come to associate  positive with good and negative with bad? And how does it influence our lives?

Meanings

When it comes to reinforcement, positive and negative mean reinforcing a learning process either via the addition or the subtraction of a signal or stimulus. Meaning that if I want you to stop eating my hard earned Nutella, I could start playing very loud death metal music right in your ears when you start chewing (I add the music, positive reinforcement). Then I cold stop it when you throw the pot away to go assume a fetal position in a corner of the room (I stop the music, negative reinforcement). Here, I'm not praising, I'm just starting and stopping a punishment (except if you're a fan of death metal, and in this case, well, cholesterol for you!).

And actually it makes sense: positive comes from the latin 'ponere', to put something, while the word negative comes from 'negare', to deny.

Now, what about positive thinking? The majority of material I've come accross, up to Wikipedia, associate positive thinking with optimism, which is, seeing the good in the bad.
As for negative thinking, it is almost always linked to angry and frustrated feelings.

But wait...

Is optimism positive?

Does optimism always mean thinking by addition? Is being angry a negative feeling?
Coming back to my desperate attempt at protecting my Nutella, I am in a situation where the factors are Me, You and the Chocolate Paste.

Optimism would mean that I'm happy for you, after all you're the one getting all the fat in that deal. But thinking by addition, I would charge you a small fee for each spoonful, and I would change the equation to Me+You+Chocolate+Money.

Now, if I get angry, the situation doesn't really change, and it's actually positive reinforcement that I'm applying: I deliver a foam-at-the-mouth tantrum you will probably not like in hope you stop scavenging my bounty.

Now, real negative thinking would mean: I just lock the Nutella away, removing it from the equation entirely.

So here, anger is actually a positive action almost at the same level as getting money, and I also get more immediate result by acting negatively.

Wait what the?

Yes, it's confusing. And it come from the fact that, lazy mammals that we are, we're quick to use positive and negative as placeholders for things that make us feel good and things that don't, because screw it.

Being pattern-recognizing, systematic brained creatures, we have a tendency to focus on results rather than processes (as proven by, you know, deforestation, climate change, CO2 pollution and diet programs). So, when we qualify a behavior as positive or negative, we actually mean: a behavior that will result in a productive and beneficial, or impeding an problematic outcome.

If it's understandable… it's also somehow irritating since it can seriously mess up everyday communication. You can't really expect a result when you don't understand the underlying process; I know I can't just wish Nutella in my mouth if I don't know how to open the pot. But saying "I have to be positive" without knowing what it implies, is the same as if I said 'Feed me Nutella' without giving a damn about how to open the pot, whether it's someone else's pot, or weather it takes a full warehouse of underpaid Oompa-loompas to get it to my mouth. I know right, but I'm HUNGRY!

On a more personal level, how we expose thoughts greatly influence how they are perceived: if I told you the Batman hit my nose, you probably won't picture him hitting has hard as if I'd said the Batman crushed my nose, even if the the outcome is similar, because Batman.

Positive douchebaggery

As an more relatable example, let's say I have a good friend who one day turns out to be unusually crabby. The equation will be Me + her + the crabbiness. What's important here is to see the crabbiness as her feelings: she's expressing a thought process.

So when I ask my grumpy friend "Why are you being so negative?" instead of asking her "Why are you angry and sad?", there's a huge chance that she'll translate it to "Why are you making me/both of us feel bad". That's because instead of focusing on her feelings, I'd focus on her feeling's impact.

If I continue in that direction and, instead of asking her "What are you angry and sad about and how can we change that", I tell her to "Be positive about it", she might very well receive it as "Suck it up" because, once again, but focusing on the outcome, I took her feelings out of the equation. 



If I take her feelings out of the equations, then who's acting in a negative fashion? Yes, me. By trying to apply what I loosely saw as 'positive thinking', I actually acted negatively and, coincidentally as a perfect douche bag.

Is there an alternative to using those therms? 

Absolutely yes: Identifying the process behind situations.

Sentences like "There must be a positive solution to my bad mood" becomes "Where does my sad mood come from and what can I do about it?" 
"Her attitude is negative" becomes "Why is she angry and what can be done about it?" and "How can I prevent Batman form plundering my Nutella" becomes "Why is Batman craving for my sweet stash and can I tell Alfred to feed him more carbs?"

And do you know why it makes sense? Because identifying the source of a problematic outcome, finding out the reason for an unwanted situation, will reveal the problem itself: it will show you the equation et let you decide what to add or remove.

Of course, not sharing Facebook one-liners  about positive thinking works great too...

What do you think? Are you sharing these views? Be positive about it and add some comment, I'd love to know your views.

Erratum: I'm mentioning the addition of  an unwanted signal as positive reinforcement, it's actually positive punishment. Think positive!
Note: In the podcast, my voice is pitched down, not for privacy reasons, but to be more agreeable to your ears. I'll get better hardware soon.